FC77 Rangers 4 vs. Azzurri 1

(Scorer: Ntini 46', 60', 72', 80')

Have you ever wondered what would happen if (in)famous English Premiership bad boy referee Rob Styles morphed into a lil' Vin Diesel (pre-Pitch Black) and officiated a GPSD men's Over-30 Third Division league match?

Yeah, I never did either until our September 27th epic match against our heated rivals the Azzurri. The resulting tragi-comedy of errors was was enough to overshadow the glorious Rangers win and take most of the joy out of our largest margin of victory over the Italians ever. We should have been drinking to rejoice but alas, I think most of us would be drinking to forget.

Let's review the match facts: Malvern Ntini lit up the Azzurri with a second half scoring display that included a slashing lateral run and shot forty seconds after the restart; a trademark dribbling run that ended with three defenders in his wake and the ball back in the corner of the net; a hat trick off a cheeky--but totally legal--quick free kick that caught the yammering opposition hopelessly out of position; and a fourth goal that left the keeper sprawled on the ground, chewing out his back line. Brett Baumgarte, returning to the sticks for the second time, wasted no time getting into the flavor of the rivalry by loudly telling off the Azzurri about four minutes into the match. Although largely unchallenged for long stretches of the match, he made several solid saves and dominated the box, with only an expertly taken free kick and subsequent goal-mouth rush preventing a clean sheet. Our keeper was largely unchallenged for long stretches of the match due to the silky smooth fullback mechanics that nullified the striker runs, cleared out the wing balls, and kept their shape for the full ninety minutes. Full credit goes to the Bauman-Calkins-Seaton-Fahrbach-Snyder-Vogel line permutations that worked pretty fluidly. The midfield did a good job of getting "up and back" in warmer than expected temperatures and the Radigan-Muralt partnership won a lot of headers and made some crunching challenges to break up the Azzurri's distribution. Burden and Foubister made many tidy forays along the sidelines and McConnachie almost had his first headed goal of the season around the 75th minute. Lastly, Ingersoll didn't send seven shots ridiculously wide of the frame as he did last week and actually had a headed shot on goal--all that and his Kick Medic from www.worldsoccershop.com hasn't even arrived yet! (Thanks, Tyler!)

But this match wasn't about us. It wasn't about the Italians, either. Oh, no. This match was All About the Referee. Since the whole sorry affair kind of blurs together in my head like a bad movie montage, a chronological linear review just won't cut it. I offer instead this David Letterman-esque "'Gers-Azzurri Referee's Most Ridiculous Moments Top Ten List" for your consideration. Sadly, I had to really work to get it down to just ten. Please vote in the new poll question on this same topic to the left. Seriously.

'GERS-AZZURRI REFEREE'S MOST RIDICULOUS MOMENTS TOP TEN LIST

10. Coin toss? We don't need no stinkin' coin toss! You guys get the ball! Play!

9. Cautioning Ron Burden with an almost Shakespearean soliloquy about walking off the field about fifteen feet to grab his water bottle.

8. Giving Aaron Radigan a completely unnecessary warning for questioning a dubious call for contact during a header. Fortunately, Radigan had enough common sense to let it go instead of telling him to shove it up his...

7. Ask me what exactly happened on the fifth goal/no goal/penalty kick fiasco. Go ahead. "I have no idea!" After a goal mouth scramble saw the ball go in the net, the referee appeared to blow his whistle indicating it was good, then disallowing it, then asking us if we wanted a penalty kick. I believe Fahrbach asked, "Is it a goal?", only to have the official declare a penalty kick.

6. Not letting Jim Snyder off the field to help his child who had hurt himself on the playground. For future reference: If any of your kids are hurt or crying anywhere near the pitch and you need to go, just go. It'd be great if you let me know, but don't let that stop you from taking care of your families first.

5. Muttering loudly enough so that anybody outside his brain could hear, "Get out of my f**king face" when Snyder did leave the field to tend to his child per item #6.

4. Stopping play to make the Azzurri manager return to the east sideline after going over to the west sideline...to shag balls that go over the fence. Last time I checked, the far sideline hasn't been ruled off-limits to spectators. I think most every other pitch allows spectators to watch on either sideline. [Note: I can't believe I'm saying this, but a word of thanks goes to the Azzurri manager, Armando, who did scale the fence and get my new Nike match ball as well as the Adidas ball we lost last spring. Ahem...grazie.]

3. Telling our cheering section to stop cheering so loudly. Our best and most vocal supporter, AJ, never fails with a hearty "GOOOOAAAALLL!!!" when we score. It adds to the spirit of the match. I could see how a celebration cheer more along the lines of "YOOOOUUU SUUUUCCCCCK!" might be considered poor form, but "GOOOOAAAALLL!!!"? Puh-leeze.

2. Carding Dan Calkins and Brett Baumgarte for making a goalkeeper change...after they told him they were making a goalkeeper change...and he nodded in acknowledgement. I was thirty yards down field and I saw it.

1. Calling one of the Azzurri's girlfriends a "f***king b***h" after she recognized the referee as an acquaintance from another team. I always thought that wives, girlfriends, and family were off-limits for insults. I guess so long as you don't say it loudly enough to violate item #3, it's allowed...

I know bullet point lists are kind of a lazy means of writing, but formatting it like this will make it easier for me to report the referee to the league (with some editing, of course). I spoke with the Azzurri manager after the match and, incredibly, we both agreed that this episode was way over the top and should be brought to GPSD's attention. How does the phrase go, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend"?

We'll see about that, but I did have some pretty good pizza for dinner. Ciao!

Next match:

FC77 Rangers v. No Subs

Saturday, 4 October, 2008

4:00 p.m. KO

Montessori Earth School