Winter 2011 (Pre-)Season Wrap Up

Winter 2011 (Pre-)Season Wrap Up

With the first winter season in the books and a fine third place finish under our belts--ahem!--I called in some favors and asked a few of the finest minds in the world of soccer commentary to analyze FC77 Rangers five match run.

Here is what they said.*

Bobby McMahon, Fox Soccer Channel analyst:

"I think when you look at the season as a whole, you have to say that Rangers have suffered from some inconsistency of form against sides they ought to have beaten and in the case of the Old Firm match against Celtic, they just--what? We're not talking about Glasgow Rangers? Then who are we talking about? What Rangers? FC77 Rangers? Who the bloody hell is FC77 Rangers? Is this some kind of bloody joke? Is Derek Taylor punking me again? I'll kick your bloody arse!"

Derek Taylor, Fox Soccer Report anchor:

"Big FA Cup results tonight on the Report, but first let's go to Portland, Oregon where--AAAIIIGGHHHH! Stop hitting me, Bobby McMahon! Oh, God, the pain! Not the teleprompter! Not the tele--!" [Interview cut short due to technical difficulties.]

Tommy Smyth, ESPN Champion's League Analyst and Absolutely the Worst Soccer Commentator Ever:

"The problem 'Gers suffered this season was not putting the ball in the old onion bag enough! And on corner kicks, they let the other team put the ball in the old onion bag too many times! If they can't put the ball in old onion bag more times than the other team puts the ball in the old onion bag, then there's--Argh!" [Interview cut short when manager Sean Ingersoll burst into the studio and kicked Smyth right in the old onion bag.]

Chris Berman, ESPN:

"Rumblin'! Fumblin'! Stumblin'! Bumblin'! Mumblin'! Crumblin'! What are we talking about again?"

Jim Rome, Rome is Burning:

"I hate soccer. [Bleep!] off. Next caller!"

John Spencer, Manager, Portland Timbers:

"The lads showed a lot of heart for not always having enough players. When I need a bunch of working class forty year old guys who never give up, I know where to look."

Charlie Sheen, Insane Guy (via Twitter):

"These WARLOCKS ROCK!! they shoot fireballs from THEIR FEET!! LOVE IT BROS!"

"THEY EAT TROLLS 4 BREAKFAST! im callin u out Hawwks!"

Chewbacca, Famous Wookiee:

"Ngrawwl! Hurk! Hurk! Rooaarrg! Rawhr! Rawhr! Hurp!"

[Translation: Ingersoll's insistence on a 3-1-4-2 for the majority of the season was, in retrospect, perhaps ill-advised as it did not allow the defensive line to take full advantage of the width of the pitch and instead allowed the fullbacks to be susceptible to the lobbed long ball. Of course, having a full complement of eleven players on the field and some substitutes would have helped, too, or failing that, I could have played holding midfielder while my colleague Tartuff acted as a sweeper to neutralize the delayed runner on corner kick set plays. Plus, wookiees are justifiably famous for their aerial prowess as well as ripping people's arms out. Sure, it earns the red card dismissal, but let's just say the other side is a little less eager to make the challenge after his teammate has just been mauled. Ha! Ha! I slay me!]

Well, that just about sums up the winter season, Rangers! Thanks to our guest commentators for their input and remember, "Parody, not libel!"

See you in the spring!

* Note: Some responses may be edited for brevity, content, or more than likely just plain made-up in their entirety.