FC77 Rangers 8:1 Blitz

FC77 Rangers 8 - 1 Blitz

(Radigan 15', 50'; Foubister 25'; Muralt 55', 74'; King 60', 70'; McConnachie 82')

Before we proceed, allow me to introduce this match summary with a little theme song action. Feel free to sing along to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer":

You know Wolfhounds and No Subs

And Bridgetown and Azzuri,

Code Blue and Chaos

And Petro (now Blitzen)

But do you recall

The Greatest Men's Over-30 Third Division Football Club

In the Greater Portland, Oregon area of all?

FC77 Rangers

Broke their latest opposition's nose

And if you were there to see it

You would even say it was really gross.

All of the other men's teams

Used to laugh and call them names

They never let poor Rangers

Win any Division Three games.

Then one sunny afternoon

The referee was forced to say,

"Rangers with this score so trite,

Would you like me to call this game tonight?"

But how the home side declined,

As they score with impunity

"FC77 Rangers...never call the game earlyyyy!"

Rangers turned the Montessori Earth School into a bloodbath--literally--on Match Day Three of the GPSD O-30 Third Division Rose City spring season. With blue skies, a lush green pitch (albeit with some hard to discern field markings), and a comfortable complement of fifteen suited up, Rangers continued to claw and bash their way up the division table against "new" team Blitz...until it was recognized that Blitz was just the Team Formally Known as Petro Kickers. With the memory of their last visit to the MES undoubtedly still fresh in their minds, Petro--er, Blitz--was undoubtedly eager to avenge their previous 8-0 short-sided defeat.

That didn't happen. At. All.

Starting XI:

DeBar, goalkeeper

Seaton - Calkins - Snyder - Pullen, fullbacks

Burden - Radigan - Muralt - Gaffney, midfielders

King - Foubister, forwards

Reserves: Ingersoll, Vogel, Fahrbach, McConnachie

The away side started the match with ten players but within the first ten minutes found themselves fielding a full side...until a vicious mid-air collision with Calkins (channeling his inner Bauman as the first half sweeper) broke the nose of Blitz's second striker during an aerial challenge and reduced their numbers back to ten. Play was halted for almost ten minutes as first aid was rendered and Vogel's legendary water jug (a Rangers icon) was brought out to hose down the blood pooling at the top of the Division Street box. When play resumed, Rangers smelled blood--again, literally--and began an eighty minute assault on the Blitz goal mouth. Radigan came close immediately after the resumption of play with a monster header that was brilliantly saved by the Blitz netminder, but then got his name on the score sheet on fifteen minutes with a boot from about twelve yards out. (Sorry, Aaron. You deserve a better narrative than that, but there were so many goals I lost track of them...so many goals.)

Foubister doubled the lead on 25 minutes when he performed a brilliant stop-drop-and-roll maneuver with the ball from Burden's feed. Some would say that he stumbled on the ball when he tried to cut back on the defender, but I believe he will tell his grandchildren that the move was intentional to throw off his marker, who was flatfooted as the Scot wheeled back up and blasted a right footer past the keeper...thus saving him from eternal shame and ribbing for the rest of the afternoon. DeBar made a few saves when Blitz's Silver Fox (you know who I mean) got a sniff of goal and popped a shot from mid-range, but the keeper was comfortable for the first 45 minutes and gladly exchanged his gloves for a yellow field kit for the second half while Calkins minded the sticks.

2-0 is a good lead, some would say a comfortable lead. Reluctant to fall prey to the dreaded first fifteen minutes of the second half, 'Gers immediately went on the offensive and did their best impersonation of a Panzer blitzkreig through the Low Countries. (Get it? Blitzkrieg? Just checking.) The highlights included:

50' - Radigan receives a right side pass from McConnachie deep inside the opposition's box and absolutely crushes the shot at almost point blank range.

55' - Ingersoll releases McConnachie down the near side. McConnachie turns and fires a cross back to Muralt, who curls it inside the post.

58' - King opens his spring account with a thunder run.

68' - King gets a second after going one on one with the Blitz right back, shoulder checking him so hard everybody assumed the play would be whistled dead, marveling that it wasn't, and then cheering when King rips a kill shot inside the six to the near post. So angry, Ron. So angry. We likey.

74' - All that was missing thus far was a header goal, so Burden obliges with a lovely cross from the left, finding Muralt low in the box. The center midfield stalwart flicks the ball backwards with a fading header. Nothing but net.

80' - McConnachie bags the last home side goal with ten minutes from Radigan's assist.

Blitz got on the board and salvaged some pride with an 88th minute consolation goal. In all fairness, our keeper was distracted by the group of Latino children who were wanting to play with him while he stood alone and unbothered for extremely long periods of the second half. "Hola, el Sr. Calkins. ¿Jugará al fútbol usted conmigo"? Calkins was unbothered due to the relentless and dogged play of the fullbacks and holding midfielders--Seaton, DeBar, Pullen, Snyder, Vogel and Gaffney--who jousted (physically and verbally) with the Blitz attacks and kept most shots to distance. And of course, it wouldn't be a Rangers match without Seanny going wide with his shots, which he did. Twice. Some day I'm actually going to score and go absolutely ape-s**t crazy.

All in all, it was one of our finest performances ever. The passing was clinical and controlled. The hustle up and back was relentless, and that was probably the highest goal-to-shot ratio we've ever had. A fine match for a fine April afternoon.

Match notes...Attendance was estimated at upwards of 20, a season-high...the team enjoyed post-match treats courtesy of Becki and Kendall Ingersoll...Rangers now hold a career 24-6 goal advantage over Petro Kickers/Blitz...Ron Burden bravely saved the life of a Junior Ranger spectator by breaking his fall with his body when the tree limb the young supporter was perched in gave way...Did anyone notice my prophetic comment in the last match summary about an 8-1 score? Did you?

Next match:

FC77 Rangers v. Green Dragons

Sunday, 26 April - 12:00 noon KO

Montessori Earth School